Love Me Dead
by tempestquill
Summary: The one where Mikami is up the duff... Total and unrepentent CRACK. Heee.


Disclaimer: Death Note and all recognizable characters belong to Ohba/Obata.

Author's Notes: I don't have words for this, except, the crack was good, and the challenge was fun. *giggle* I had a blast writing this... Um poor Mikami and what dignity he might have had at some point. LOL.

"Love Me Dead"  
By C.K. Blake

Peeing on a stick is the dumbest suggestion to a problem that Mikami Teru has ever actually gone through and done. To actually trust the suggestion of some air head model after a chick-flick marathon (and that one movie with the really pretty guy who totally shouldn't have died in the beginning but did so did NOT make him cry, he has allergies dammit!) is yet another thing that makes Mikami question his own sanity. Still God holds this tiny, big chested little Lolita in some kind of favor (or maybe he likes watching the cat fights between her and Takada, and Light always puts his money on Misa because she fights dirrrrrrty!), so he will trust the great Lord Kira's judgment, and well, times up.

He looks down at the little stick and the first thing that comes to mind?

"Oh fuck me!" he shrieks, and this is followed by, "No wait, who fucked me? God? This is Mikami speaking. Can you hear me? God? Am I like the virgin vessel now?"

He hears a chuckle from behind him, and feels something look over his shoulder and the chuckle turns into full on gut wrenching guffaws as the Shinigami wipes at the sand leaking from its eyes and clutches at its sides. "Hyuk, hyuk, hoo, hoo! You! A virgin? Mikami, don't make me crumble to sand here. You humans never cease to amuse! Hyuk!"

"Ryuk! This is divinity at work! Silence you fiend! We must alert the masses and tell everyone that I am carrying Kira's child! I am the bearer of God's fruit to the world!"

Ryuk's chuckles slow and then he looks consideringly at Mikami. "Are apples involved?"

"Apples at a time like this? Sure, now go get everyone together! This is big! You have to tell Light and even those horrible successors of that L person so we Kira's chosen and Kira himself can LAUGH in their snooty faces! God is great! He knocked me up long distance! Hurry!" Mikami snaps at the Shinigami and then he promptly turns around and bows before a different god, this one of the porcelain variety. Damn this morning sickness. He misses the simple days of common day indigestion already…

A couple of hours later Mikami is at a warehouse, apparently someone let that little shit Near pick the venue. Everyone is here, Light, Takada (who is glaring at Misa who is clinging to Light's right arm, and yeah, even Mikami is glaring, but he thinks it might be the new hormones he's experiencing…), Misa, Near (that little shit), Mello (with that ugly scar), Matt (with that damn annoying game, and really does he have to smoke now? There is a pregnant person present, what happened to common courtesy?), Aizawa (his fro still missing in action), and the rest of the taskforce and Near's little crew. Ryuk is there too, chuckling in between munching on the apples Mikami brought with him.

"So, why would proxy Kira call us all together and generally ruin the entire plot of the story line before all of my competition, which isn't much," and Near levels a long look in Mello's direction, and Mello takes a particularly harsh bite from his chocolate, "is eliminated?"

"God will beat you! God will bring all of you to your knees!" Mikami says, his voice carrying the weight of the righteously insane.

"Um, I don't swing that way. Remember I'm married with kids," Aizawa throws out there for anyone who might actually care.

Light rolls his eyes and then snaps, "Really Mikami! I picked you because you were supposedly smart. If I knew you were this fucked in the head, I would have stuck with Misa, she might be dumb but at least she's predictable."

"Hey! I thought you loved me!" Takada growls, and her hands extend into claws. Light takes a step back and Misa leaps before him, ready to bring a crazy bitch down.

Matt pauses his game and Mello lets out a low whistle and says, "Oooooh! Cat fight!"

Mikami lets out a wail that draws all attention back to him before first blood can be drawn, and the warehouse goes dead silent. "Why God? Oh why do you say such hurtful things when I am your chosen virgin vessel?"

Light turns to Mikami, his jaw damn near unhinged and says, "What the FUCK? Come again?"

Mikami's mouth turns in a small curve of a smile and he gently rubs at his belly. "I am carrying the child of God!"

"Wait, since when was Mikami a virgin?" Mello says, all his anger abandoned in this glaring moment of confusion.

Mikami tears up at this and begins to sob as Light faints, and Near draws close to Mikami, carefully examining the obviously unstable man. "And what proof do you have of this claimed affliction of yours?" Near asks.

"DO NOT CALL GOD'S BABY AN AFFLICTION!!!" Mikami wails.

"Bitch! You did not just say you were Mikami's baby daddy, because it was me! I am that baby daddy! Bitch I will CUT you!" Takada snarls as she leaps for Misa.

"I peed on a stick!" Mikami snaps at Near as Misa and Takada have a throw down and Gevanni uses smelling salts on Light.

Mikami produces the pee stick from his pocket, and after making a face Near examines the stick and then says, "What does a pink plus mean?"

"That means he's knocked up you tit! And you're the one that is supposed to survive us all and succeed as the next L? What the fuck were they thinking?" Mello snarls with a roll of his blue eyes.

"Well then, perhaps a full rectal exam is in order to determine how this could have happened… Unless, Mikami, have you under gone transgender reassignment surgery, because there was this one case in the US where a man who use to be a woman got pregnant."

"I've always had a dick you little pervert!" Mikami shrieks, and that is when Light comes around.

Before another word can be spoken, from the ether rises a shimmery form, and then standing in the center of the room is a slouching, black haired youth in baggy blue jeans and a white long sleeved shirt. The figure brings a thumb to his lip and then his dark eyes land on his arch rival.

"Ah, Light-kun, how have you been since killing me?" L says.

"Just fine Ryuzaki, but really, they expect the albino and the gender confused blonde to beat me? Seriously?"

"Hey! I contribute!" Matt says after pausing his handheld.

"Ten panels and then you're target practice and road kill," Light points out, and really how can anyone argue with that?

"Whatevs," the redhead growls and then returns to his game, because there is only so much of this Mikami is knocked up shit that he can take, and did Near really just suggest anal probing? Maybe he really was from another planet. Shit, that would give Mello's theory sound back-up. Matt will keep those thoughts to himself for future reference.

Apparently Mello is too caught up in aw of L's ghostly visage to be of much use to any one in a verbal capacity.

"So, Ryuzaki, why are you even here? You died how many chapters ago?" Light says and airily looks at his nails while Takada and Misa scuffle on the floor at his feet. He sidesteps to avoid the continued fight between the girls, and then L stuns him, as L is want to do.

"Oh, well, I just came to inform you that Kira will not have an heir! The child that your precious follower, the proxy Kira is carrying is not your heir! I fathered that child! Your most loyal follower has betrayed you!"

"No God! I couldn't have! I don't remember fucking some ugly, creepy looking dead guy!" Mikami howls in anguish, and Near pokes at Mikami's belly and Mikami swats his pale hand away and continues to howl.

This is too much for Light. He crumbles to the floor twitching listlessly in his poor unconscious state. Matsuda, always late, finally shows up to see all the chaos and Ryuzaki smack dab in the middle of it, but didn't he die a few chapters ago or something? Oh well he thinks as he sidles up next to Aizawa who's eye is visibly twitching and asks, "So, what did I miss?"

"L knocked up Mikami and now Near wants to do an anal probe on him. I'm just waiting for the big reveal in which Light confesses to being Kira," Aizawa replies.

Matsuda's eyes widen. "Wait! What?! Light is Kira?!"

"Honestly Matsu, where have you been throughout this whole series?" Aizawa points out.

"Uh… around?" is Matsuda's answer.

"This is a divine act! I am having God's baby! This is not your baby L! I would never fuck a dead guy! This baby is the result of an immaculate conception! And speaking of which I haven't gotten laid in a good long time! How far along could I be. The last time I had sex was… Oh shit," Mikami says and suddenly goes pale as he slumps to his knees.

L looks rather smug as he says, "I even have photographic evidence. Matt, do you still have that envelope you got a week ago? Break the seal."

Matt does as he's told and pulls out the photos inside the manila envelope, his eyes widen behind his goggles as he visibly shudders and says, "Ten panels is better than this shit!" as he tosses the photos to the floor, and there is all the evidence that anyone needs to guess at the paternity of Mikami's ass baby.

"Ewww! Is Ryuzaki wearing a pinafore? Ryuzaki is such a pervert!!!" Misa shrieks.

L shrugs, "He didn't complain, not once."

"But I had too much Saki, and, and, and YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME!" Mikami wails as he points an accusing finger at L. "You made me betray God!"

L shrugs, and then Mikami jumps and turns to glare at Near and snarls, "Will you QUIT POKING MY ASS?! Don't you think I've been violated enough already?"

Near shrugs. "Anything in the name of science."

Mello pauses and looks up from the blue print he's been working on in designing his latest plot against Near, rigging a trigger on a cherry bomb to react the next time Near sits on his toilet, kind of like that thing in Lethal Weapon 2. Wait, they used c-4 for that. "Matt, are you sure I can't use c-4 instead of a cherry bomb? I mean, even the creepy ass wanna be cultist is saying Near is a creepy perv."

"We can't kill him Mello. He has fangirls. Sure, we have more, but still, do you wanna face the fall out?"

"Those bitches pair me with him half the time anyway," Mello growls.

Matt quickly reconsiders his position and then says, "Fine, you can use c-4 if you agree to bottom tonight. Fuck those bitches, you're mine."

And so it was that Light remained twitching on the floor as the future fate of L and Mikami's ass baby was decided, and only Near brought up the idea of natural birth, causing all the men and Misa in the room to shudder in sympathy pains, and that's when Matt suggested using two blocks of c-4 instead of just one. Mello heartily agreed.

And then Mikami decided that being pregnant made him horny so he fucked the still twitching Light in front of everyone, because what's a little exhibitionism when compared to necrophilia?

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End…Until Labor that is…


End file.
